Dagen 153

Still sick.. day 6. Lovely, isn't it?? I really can't remember when I was this sick last. I got my senses back, somewhat at least. I smelled H's perfume yesterday and I could almost smell it. Yeay.. Many “I should” today, did none of them so far. Soo me, right? ^^ Most it is school-stuff. But right now I have a huge “i-don't-give-a-shit” feeling about it. I have never worked soo hard for a VG, really never. And I know it is not me, it is the teacher cause Desi had her to. And she got the same treatment. I am not looking forward to working and studying next semester.

Today the sun is shining and I hate it. ( I am never satisfied, I knooow) But when I am this off the sun is more a pain in the ass then a warm welcome place to spend time in. The sun is mocking me, I can hear it. So I pulled down my blinds and pretended it wasn't there. I got a whim today and ordered some books from adlibris. They have affordable prices but one of the books I wanted was sold-out. The Kite runner. Same at Vertigo, the book package I wanted was sold-out..grrr. However I did find Doktor Glas and some other good books.

I just had a long talk with Desi on the phone. It got me thinking if it is me or if it is something else. You know, we talk about our lives and job and stuff. We feel the same about many things and I do think she is just as normal as anyone ( Hihih). But still we both have this feeling. Like something is wrong and if it is us.. or life that is wrong :P I sometimes wonder if I expect too much from people. I know what I want in life but I still feel that maybe I should just be happy for what I got. When is it enough? Maybe I am just selfish, wanting something that is too perfect to get. Know what I mean?

I play it safe. I always do. I never risk anything. And I have too many “good” excuses to keep doing it. But if I never risk anything I will never gain anything, it is like a big loop. I think one problem in this is that I don´t trust myself and my so called gut feeling. Everyone seems to have one, but me. Everyone seems to just know what to do in life. I have nooo clue :D

So I want to find my place on earth.. why is that so hard? :D